Ok ,so I know that most all posts of mine have been about self pity in essence but then that’s why I blog, isn’t it? It’s not about pity really, but rather a way to express my feelings rather than going nuts and flipping out on people. This blog is more of the same I suppose but you be the judge. Mainly my complaint today is that of selfish people. When I get a call from someone and I can’t get a word in about anything important or trivial, it really burns my backside. My favorite is when I am told, that’s not important but let me tell you who I saw at the store or whatever they wish to interrupt with. Some of my family members are especially good at this. It is ,however, equally upsetting when you have a friend who is an excellent listener but never divulges anything. I’m not talking deep dark secrets or personal info either. I think that’s what friends talk about, or at least they used to, but not anything of substance. I might inquire about a troubling issue they have been going through and they just say , oh I’d rather not get into it. I might ask how is your job and they say oh you know, same old …same old. I have to question if I’m the crappy friend in this scenario ,since they are not willing to talk about anything other than my contribution to the conversation. In any case, I just wonder why friendships or even relating to relatives has become so difficult for me in my old age(only in my thirties, but still). Your family is supposed to be supportive. My theory is that I allowed them to see me for too long as a spineless and weak person. I was the butt of everyone’s jokes and told that I was paranoid about what people thought about me. I was told I always overreacted to people and situations. They tell a sort of pre story to everyone so that they judge me based on that character they created and that I inevitably became in so many ways. It was not how I wanted anyone to see me but it seemed a lovable character that was welcomed at least. Whenever I show confidence or stand up for myself by saying, hey that isn’t me, it’s not what I like or how I really am at all, it is met with a less than stellar response. I never really became assertive or confident until after high school and believe it or not ,that old persona I let them create for me ,didn’t go away. After all, I played that role because it was less stressful than the constant battle to let my true self shine through. Recently a person introduced into the family said to me, well we all know you hate everyone and everything and your sensitive and hard to please. I was blown away by this because they didn’t get to know me but the image my family created instead. I told them that they shouldn’t believe what they heard because it’s not me. Every action I take is met with , oh that’s so typical of you. I bet you will do this or that next. Um, you don’t even know me…my family doesn’t even know the real me. So I guess it’s partly my fault for living up to these things they wanted me to be. It just sucks because I’m now treated like a weak and angry and paranoid character. You try so hard to better yourself and reinvent yourself to no avail. I can just be sitting back and listening to what’s going on and they will try to egg me on to do or say what they expect me to. When I don’t respond on cue, they say…wow what’s your problem. So I guess I kind of answered my own question as to why I get treated how I do but when friends who don’t know your family dynamic judge you based on one conversation with your family, it’s just tiring trying to defend your true self. The more I defend myself, the worse it gets because it’s viewed as me trying to cover up my alleged behaviors. It makes me look as if I am the one fabricating the story. The thing is, why it’s been bothering me again after so many years, is that it’s become a problem for me to have them paint this picture for my son. I have talked to at least two or three of these folks and let them know not to act this way in front of my son but they don’t care. They simply don’t care about anyone but themselves. They never think they are wrong. If I do something and someone tells me not to because it hurts them in some way, then I stop. Even when I think it’s funny or they are overreacting, it’s still bothers them so I won’t do it. In one case my brother asked me not to say certain things about him in front of his kids, ok no problem. I realized kids are impressionable. Now that I have a child I asked for the same courtesy but guess what….sorry it’s funny..that’s what they say. Ok…NO it’s not funny. Ok well I’ve gone off in several directions on this blog so now I will wrap it up with this question, ….Is it ever ok to allow your family to continue treating you in ways that you don’t like because they are family and you can’t change people? Or should you put your foot down continually and if they won’t even compromise then you cut ties? Same thing for friends, easier to get rid of than family. Ok I guess that’s more than one question. Any thoughts on this topic? Please feel free to comment.
This is about everything and nothing in particular. Do you ever feel that when you need your family the very most, they don’t come through? When you just need them to listen, they spring into action when you don’t need that. If they are getting something out of an experience, they are all in. If there is nothing to gain but the pure joy in helping out, they can’t be bothered. They like to criticize and problem solve where they like but not when you actually want/need it. I see families with the most disfunction pull together through thick and thin. Then I see families who ,in theory, are the picture perfect family and they are absent in times of need. Do you ever feel like your family hangs you out to dry? It is a roller-coaster of emotions sometimes. After they help you out unexpectedly or even when you don’t want/need help, you feel grateful. You feel guilty for having doubted them this whole time. Wow, I am so lucky to have people who love me…right? Then as quick as the blink of and eye, you ask for help, they leave you alone and broken. They say, sorry, I wish I could help. This seems to be a repeat pattern with me. I am 100 % sure this reflects in my friendships or lack thereof. Why are family members so passive aggressive in nature?
I will never be able to get 100 % past at least two major life events. My mom passed away just before the one time in my life when I needed her most. This is probably a big part of my feeling disconnected to my family in some ways, as my mom was the glue that kept us together. In any case, when I lost my son and when I gave birth to his brother, these events felt different then they should have for me. Of course I was missing my mother and her wisdom and comfort. Also I was missing certain family members that vowed to be there for my husband and I during the tough moments in life. My son was born prematurely and he passed away after a lot of ups and downs in the NICU. He was here for just over 6 months, this was no quick delivery and passing. He had a life, however short it may have been. During this time, we went through the bulk of this alone. Most everyone made excuses as to why they couldn’t visit. Then when he passed away, after the funeral, almost nobody called or visited the cemetery. It was swept under the rug so to speak, as if it never happened. I learned in the grieving process, life goes on, and so it does for everyone else too. They have moved past it much quicker than we could ever do. Nobody wants to talk about my son or what happened, much less look at his pictures, and it is all about how they can’t cope. I realize everyone grieves in their own ways and in their own time but family should surely be there in your low times, right? I have seen it both ways for other women who have gone through this type of loss, so I’m not convinced my family is right or wrong on how they dealt with it. I am sure of one thing…I felt extremely alone ,besides being with my husband. Moving along, we finally got a blessing in the form of our newest son ,last year. This was surely a bitter sweet celebration and my family was there every step of the way right? Well, almost right, they were there in the beginning and started disappearing after the first month. In the hospital I got visitors while I was in labor, but then after I had him….one or two visitors. Once again everybody was busy, and for some it was legit but not so much with others. I have to wonder if my being there for everyone else had gone unnoticed or was it just taken for granted. My sister had so many visitors the month prior, when she had her son, she could hardly keep track. This has been the theme since as far back as I can recall. Do I just suffer from middle child syndrome? Is it all in my head? Am I just too sensitive ,as my dad tells me? There are times my birthday has been forgotten or overlooked but parties were had for my siblings. Sorry I’m getting off track a bit but the question remains, is it just me? Do I deserve less than my siblings or other family members? Don’t get me wrong, there have been good times and many times where they have helped beyond what is expected, but it gets overshadowed by these times of utter heartbreak and disappointment. So I guess the question is…Do we expect too much of family? Am I ungreatful? Does everyone go through this? Should I just get over it or is it ok to acknowledge that these things suck majorly? Mainly I just try to look at the positive and I continue to forgive even when I won’t forget or can’t forget. It’s a work in progress and I have to continue to tell myself to stop feeling sorry for myself. I remind myself ,people have it way worse then me. Look at all the wars going on and plane crashes and natural disasters, surely I can find lots of things to be grateful for. I do thank God daily for all he has done for me and for waking up each day. Some days I just can’t help but get angry at my family and I am human after all. Any comments or opinions are welcome but please don’t use foul language or say anything super unsettling.