This is a new and improved version of the previous video I posted. This version has more pictures too. Please check it out. Thank you for stopping by.
This is a new and improved version of the previous video I posted. This version has more pictures too. Please check it out. Thank you for stopping by.
We have all been there, parent shamed. It’s not a fun place to be. We all do it to other parents and often don’t realize it. Why do we feel the need to beat up on each other? Aren’t we all in this together?
We all have that one family member or friend that gives unsolicited advice. We all have that part of us that thinks we are the best parent some days and other days we cry into our pillow thinking, we suck at parenting. I spend my nights, after the kids are sleeping, thinking about my day. Was it successful or did it suck? Could I have been a better mom? What can I change and do better tomorrow ? Other days I have a really big ego and think, your so awesome at this parenting thing.
I have a relative, who may be reading this, who isn’t supportive in the way I would like. It’s like a constant comparison between kids and parenting that has my brain in a whirlwind daily. I decided this past month ,more seriously this week, that I need to get my poop together. I need to make decisions with confidence and execute them with authority. I’m my own person and I choose to parent how I feel is best for my kids. I am choosing to feel good about myself and how I raise my children. If someone looks down on me for something I did for my kids or how I discipline, that is ok. These are my kids and my life. I need to take charge in all aspects of life. How else will my kids navigate life if I am a crappy parent because I bow to others idea of what kind of parent /person I should be. We are all different. I will take some ideas or advice where I see fit but ultimately I need to make my kids happy and allow them to grow into healthy adults. I want them to be confident and well rounded. I need to be the best example of that.
Too often I’m hearing from friends or on social media, how so-called perfect parents are shaming other parents. The worst kind is the non parent giving advice. We have all done that because we think we know better. We didnt know better. They don’t even do this in a nice helpful way. They are down right nasty and unapologetic. You NEED to breastfeed, you HAVE to let them cry it out, circumcision is barbaric. You HAVE to use this kind of bottle or stroller. Don’t co-sleep. They go on to tell how their kids are perfect, we know damn well they arent, and how you just dont know or want what’s best for your kids. I had a friend tell me, her relative told her, she is a bad mom because she “let’s her depression get in the way” of how she parents. How, her kids behave for this relative better than for her. We have all heard this. The fact is that kids are very hard on their parents and act out because that’s how they are. They fight for attention over siblings. They are still trying to regulate emotions and they look to you to guide them, even if by acting horribly bratty. They throw tantrums and all the other fun stuff. Thry are kids, doing what kids do. They dont usually behave that way for others because it’s a different environment with different expectations. Mainly, no expectations except to have fun and play. At home there are more rules and different consequences. If your doing it right or different, then other parents will try to knock you down. They like you being miserable or looking to them for advice when they know they struggled too. Maybe they are currently struggling and looking to lift themselves up by knocking your parenting. They want to believe they’ve done every thing perfectly. Guess what? There is not just one way to parent so get over yourself. More importantly, get over your self doubt. Dont let thrm take jabs at your depression or anything else.
That’s my mission. These kids grow to fast and before you know it they are off to college. Enjoy them while you can. Let the negative energy go and feel the freedom of not caring what other parents are claiming you did wrong. Kids are all different and we need to parent them in the way that’s best for them. We need to support each other and lift each other up. If you can’t say anything nice then shut up.
This happens a lot with first time parents. You will get more unsolicited advice than you know what to do with. For this reason, I now either give advice only when asked or I will say this is what worked for me. I am guilty of trying to make my case for the best diaper or formula etc. I now realize that every baby is different in how they react to diapers and formula. Some parents prefer different diapers than me and its ok. Some parents don’t feel the need to put a hat on a baby in the sun but it’s not my business. Some parents co sleep and some dont. Guess what, its ok. Don’t beat yourself up as a new parent because someone is against you or your pediatricians advice either. I won’t get into the vaccine debate. I will say at times I’ve been on both sides of it because some kids will ultimately have adverse reactions. Don’t shame those parents. Do educate yourself on all things baby related and do what you feel is right. Ask as many questions and seek advice from many resources but make choices based on what is right for your family. You dont have to argue with people but don’t let them walk on you. The bottom line is, parenting is not as easy as it looks! Be kind to new moms or dads. Be kind to all parents. Be uplifting and helpful and learn when to shut up. I hope this helped someone or hopefully it’s just relatable. Have a fabulous day and thank you for reading.
I don’t understand why everyone complains on Facebook about what others write. I thought to each his own opinion still applied. I guess I understand ,if the majority of folks are outraged at someone’s comments , you can expect a barrage of comments. If you are simply giving your opinions or two cents on a topic, then you shouldn’t be subject to someone giving a lecture on Facebook about how everyone in the world is so blind and we are the reasons this country is going to hell in a hand basket. They are one of the two percent of the world that knows all. You can’t expect many friends to stick around with this attitude. I guess if I were that intelligent and everyone around me seemed beneath me ,I would do the same. I get annoyed at others comments ,especially if they don’t mirror mine, but who doesn’t! I don’t go around telling those people how stupid they are and how they are controlled by the media and whoever else forces their views on us idiots of society. Everyone has varying backgrounds and educations and not everyone is an expert in everything. I think that’s what makes life interesting. If you happen to be a lawyer with a medical degree and a plumbing license ,and perhaps you are an ordained minister who is also a chef, well then good for you. That is an awesome list of accomplishments. As you can probably tell from reading my posts, I’m not in that group. I like to keep up with current events and such and I like to keep up with celebrity gossip. I like watching the Discovery Channel, Forensic specials, renovation shows and sometimes Keeping Up With the Kardashians. I’m not holding a high degree but I’m not an idiot so to say. If I don’t understand something about government or the justice system, I ask. I research the information so I can be better informed but I’m not lawyer and I’m not a member of government so maybe I don’t get it right all the time. I’m not a doctor but maybe I have life experience enough to weigh in on a topic. Should I be punished for ignorance of the facts on Facebook? I think maybe if I posted something ignorant ,without intending to offend or come off uneducated, then maybe the high and mighty could step down from the soap box and explain to me why I might be wrong or misguided. If the soap box King or Queen isn’t an expert on the topic of the day then maybe just say, this is my unprofessional opinion. These folks suck all the joy out of Facebook. For me Facebook serves as a place to talk to family or friends/acquaintances and to weigh in on the hot button topics or whatever else is going on. It serves as a distraction from the stress of the day. If it becomes a hostile place where people are way to serious and are offended by everything, then it only adds stress. In the end I have decided to limit my social media time significantly. If I keep blogging about it ,then maybe I need to step back because maybe Im getting to involved in this idle chit chat. Why do folks needs to ruin this? My thought for the day, please feel free to chime in.
Ok ,so I know that most all posts of mine have been about self pity in essence but then that’s why I blog, isn’t it? It’s not about pity really, but rather a way to express my feelings rather than going nuts and flipping out on people. This blog is more of the same I suppose but you be the judge. Mainly my complaint today is that of selfish people. When I get a call from someone and I can’t get a word in about anything important or trivial, it really burns my backside. My favorite is when I am told, that’s not important but let me tell you who I saw at the store or whatever they wish to interrupt with. Some of my family members are especially good at this. It is ,however, equally upsetting when you have a friend who is an excellent listener but never divulges anything. I’m not talking deep dark secrets or personal info either. I think that’s what friends talk about, or at least they used to, but not anything of substance. I might inquire about a troubling issue they have been going through and they just say , oh I’d rather not get into it. I might ask how is your job and they say oh you know, same old …same old. I have to question if I’m the crappy friend in this scenario ,since they are not willing to talk about anything other than my contribution to the conversation. In any case, I just wonder why friendships or even relating to relatives has become so difficult for me in my old age(only in my thirties, but still). Your family is supposed to be supportive. My theory is that I allowed them to see me for too long as a spineless and weak person. I was the butt of everyone’s jokes and told that I was paranoid about what people thought about me. I was told I always overreacted to people and situations. They tell a sort of pre story to everyone so that they judge me based on that character they created and that I inevitably became in so many ways. It was not how I wanted anyone to see me but it seemed a lovable character that was welcomed at least. Whenever I show confidence or stand up for myself by saying, hey that isn’t me, it’s not what I like or how I really am at all, it is met with a less than stellar response. I never really became assertive or confident until after high school and believe it or not ,that old persona I let them create for me ,didn’t go away. After all, I played that role because it was less stressful than the constant battle to let my true self shine through. Recently a person introduced into the family said to me, well we all know you hate everyone and everything and your sensitive and hard to please. I was blown away by this because they didn’t get to know me but the image my family created instead. I told them that they shouldn’t believe what they heard because it’s not me. Every action I take is met with , oh that’s so typical of you. I bet you will do this or that next. Um, you don’t even know me…my family doesn’t even know the real me. So I guess it’s partly my fault for living up to these things they wanted me to be. It just sucks because I’m now treated like a weak and angry and paranoid character. You try so hard to better yourself and reinvent yourself to no avail. I can just be sitting back and listening to what’s going on and they will try to egg me on to do or say what they expect me to. When I don’t respond on cue, they say…wow what’s your problem. So I guess I kind of answered my own question as to why I get treated how I do but when friends who don’t know your family dynamic judge you based on one conversation with your family, it’s just tiring trying to defend your true self. The more I defend myself, the worse it gets because it’s viewed as me trying to cover up my alleged behaviors. It makes me look as if I am the one fabricating the story. The thing is, why it’s been bothering me again after so many years, is that it’s become a problem for me to have them paint this picture for my son. I have talked to at least two or three of these folks and let them know not to act this way in front of my son but they don’t care. They simply don’t care about anyone but themselves. They never think they are wrong. If I do something and someone tells me not to because it hurts them in some way, then I stop. Even when I think it’s funny or they are overreacting, it’s still bothers them so I won’t do it. In one case my brother asked me not to say certain things about him in front of his kids, ok no problem. I realized kids are impressionable. Now that I have a child I asked for the same courtesy but guess what….sorry it’s funny..that’s what they say. Ok…NO it’s not funny. Ok well I’ve gone off in several directions on this blog so now I will wrap it up with this question, ….Is it ever ok to allow your family to continue treating you in ways that you don’t like because they are family and you can’t change people? Or should you put your foot down continually and if they won’t even compromise then you cut ties? Same thing for friends, easier to get rid of than family. Ok I guess that’s more than one question. Any thoughts on this topic? Please feel free to comment.
Ok …so I feel like social media has gotten out of control because there are so many bullies behind the computer these days. If someone posts or reposts something and you don’t like it, you can IGNORE it. Shocking concept to some folks but not everything in life goes how you want it. We are not living in your little world ,as you see it. Believe it or not ,other people have opinions and they don’t always match yours. I can admit some posts infuriate me ,but then I come back to reality and say to myself, do I need to argue over this or is this post merely someone’s opinion? If it’s against my moral fiber to the point I can’t be friends with this person, then I delete or block said friend. I have come to the conclusion that social media is as much a curse as it is a benefit to me. We are too obsessed with being plugged in every minute of every day. Also ,I am so beyond irritated with people being extremely rude or nasty online about things they would never have had the gull to say to your face. This sense of, I can say whatever I want, when I want and you have to accept every bit of it because anything goes now a days ,and you can’t tell me I’m wrong because I can pursue you legally for hurting my feelings or disagreeing with me. This is the climate out there on social media. Even celebrities aren’t immune anymore from the everyday average Joe blasting them on social media. There is also this culture of people who take advantage of the good people out there by asking for money and attention for their alleged sick children or relatives. I’m all for helping when the cause is legit but don’t pimp out your kid or someone else’s under the guise of charity or anything else. The upside to social media is meeting up with old friends and family and connecting with new people or coworkers and the like. This can sadly also be the downside since you can lose your job or family member over comments on Facebook or Twitter and so on. I think it’s great for folks who aren’t able to get out much or can’t speak or getting to see you grandchildren overseas or family out of state. I just think we need to tweet or post more responsibly and more lighthearted things. Stop the cyber bullying and catty nonsense. It’s a stressor I don’t need in my life. I’m glad I can just block folks at will sometimes but should it be so easy to block someone from your life that easily? Also when someone makes a comment ,you don’t know how someone meant it, and folks read emotion into it that maybe wasn’t there. The next thing you know , you are getting put on blast for the world to see how horrible of a person you are. People don’t talk it out with each other, but instead, get all of their social media friends to rally with them and mouth off to the offender in question like a group of bullies. After so much arguing and blocking and unblocking, you find out you were wrong and it was a miscommunication. I guess we have forgotten how to communicate with others, I mean really talk to each other and just relate. Where are the social skills people? Do they still teach empathy and such in school? I know this topic has had numerous articles and press about it but I just wanted to vent as well. If you have any thoughts or opinions, please feel free to comment. Thanks as always for reading my blog.
This is about everything and nothing in particular. Do you ever feel that when you need your family the very most, they don’t come through? When you just need them to listen, they spring into action when you don’t need that. If they are getting something out of an experience, they are all in. If there is nothing to gain but the pure joy in helping out, they can’t be bothered. They like to criticize and problem solve where they like but not when you actually want/need it. I see families with the most disfunction pull together through thick and thin. Then I see families who ,in theory, are the picture perfect family and they are absent in times of need. Do you ever feel like your family hangs you out to dry? It is a roller-coaster of emotions sometimes. After they help you out unexpectedly or even when you don’t want/need help, you feel grateful. You feel guilty for having doubted them this whole time. Wow, I am so lucky to have people who love me…right? Then as quick as the blink of and eye, you ask for help, they leave you alone and broken. They say, sorry, I wish I could help. This seems to be a repeat pattern with me. I am 100 % sure this reflects in my friendships or lack thereof. Why are family members so passive aggressive in nature?
I will never be able to get 100 % past at least two major life events. My mom passed away just before the one time in my life when I needed her most. This is probably a big part of my feeling disconnected to my family in some ways, as my mom was the glue that kept us together. In any case, when I lost my son and when I gave birth to his brother, these events felt different then they should have for me. Of course I was missing my mother and her wisdom and comfort. Also I was missing certain family members that vowed to be there for my husband and I during the tough moments in life. My son was born prematurely and he passed away after a lot of ups and downs in the NICU. He was here for just over 6 months, this was no quick delivery and passing. He had a life, however short it may have been. During this time, we went through the bulk of this alone. Most everyone made excuses as to why they couldn’t visit. Then when he passed away, after the funeral, almost nobody called or visited the cemetery. It was swept under the rug so to speak, as if it never happened. I learned in the grieving process, life goes on, and so it does for everyone else too. They have moved past it much quicker than we could ever do. Nobody wants to talk about my son or what happened, much less look at his pictures, and it is all about how they can’t cope. I realize everyone grieves in their own ways and in their own time but family should surely be there in your low times, right? I have seen it both ways for other women who have gone through this type of loss, so I’m not convinced my family is right or wrong on how they dealt with it. I am sure of one thing…I felt extremely alone ,besides being with my husband. Moving along, we finally got a blessing in the form of our newest son ,last year. This was surely a bitter sweet celebration and my family was there every step of the way right? Well, almost right, they were there in the beginning and started disappearing after the first month. In the hospital I got visitors while I was in labor, but then after I had him….one or two visitors. Once again everybody was busy, and for some it was legit but not so much with others. I have to wonder if my being there for everyone else had gone unnoticed or was it just taken for granted. My sister had so many visitors the month prior, when she had her son, she could hardly keep track. This has been the theme since as far back as I can recall. Do I just suffer from middle child syndrome? Is it all in my head? Am I just too sensitive ,as my dad tells me? There are times my birthday has been forgotten or overlooked but parties were had for my siblings. Sorry I’m getting off track a bit but the question remains, is it just me? Do I deserve less than my siblings or other family members? Don’t get me wrong, there have been good times and many times where they have helped beyond what is expected, but it gets overshadowed by these times of utter heartbreak and disappointment. So I guess the question is…Do we expect too much of family? Am I ungreatful? Does everyone go through this? Should I just get over it or is it ok to acknowledge that these things suck majorly? Mainly I just try to look at the positive and I continue to forgive even when I won’t forget or can’t forget. It’s a work in progress and I have to continue to tell myself to stop feeling sorry for myself. I remind myself ,people have it way worse then me. Look at all the wars going on and plane crashes and natural disasters, surely I can find lots of things to be grateful for. I do thank God daily for all he has done for me and for waking up each day. Some days I just can’t help but get angry at my family and I am human after all. Any comments or opinions are welcome but please don’t use foul language or say anything super unsettling.