Category Archives: Friendship

Parenting: Not as easy as it looks!!!

We have all been there, parent shamed. It’s not a fun place to be. We all do it to other parents and often don’t realize it. Why do we feel the need to beat up on each other? Aren’t we all in this together?

We all have that one family member or friend that gives unsolicited advice. We all have that part of us that thinks we are the best parent some days and other days we cry into our pillow thinking, we suck at parenting. I spend my nights, after the kids are sleeping, thinking about my day. Was it successful or did it suck? Could I have been a better mom? What can I change and do better tomorrow ? Other days I have a really big ego and think, your so awesome at this parenting thing.

I have a relative, who may be reading this, who isn’t supportive in the way I would like. It’s like a constant comparison between kids and parenting that has my brain in a whirlwind daily. I decided this past month ,more seriously this week, that I need to get my poop together.  I need to make decisions with confidence and execute them with authority. I’m my own person and I choose to parent how I feel is best for my kids. I am choosing to feel good about myself and how I raise my children. If someone looks down on me for something I did for my kids or how I discipline, that is ok. These are my kids and my life. I need to take charge in all aspects of life. How else will my kids navigate life if I am a crappy parent because I bow to others idea of what kind of parent /person I should be. We are all different.  I will take some ideas or advice where I see fit but ultimately I need to make my kids happy and allow them to grow into healthy adults. I want them to be confident and well rounded. I need to be the best example of that.

Too often I’m hearing from friends or on social media, how so-called perfect parents are shaming other parents. The worst kind is the non parent giving advice. We have all done that because we think we know better. We didnt know better. They don’t even do this in a nice helpful way. They are down right nasty and unapologetic. You NEED to breastfeed, you HAVE to let them cry it out, circumcision is barbaric. You HAVE to use this kind of bottle or stroller. Don’t co-sleep. They go on to tell how their kids are perfect, we know damn well they arent, and how you just dont know or want what’s best for your kids. I had a friend tell me, her relative told her, she is a bad mom because she “let’s her depression get in the way” of how she parents. How, her kids behave for this relative better than for her. We have all heard this. The fact is that kids are very hard on their parents and act out because that’s how they are. They fight for attention over siblings. They are still trying to regulate emotions and they look to you to guide them, even if by acting horribly bratty. They throw tantrums and all the other fun stuff. Thry are kids, doing what kids do. They dont usually behave that way for others because it’s a different environment with different expectations. Mainly, no expectations except to have fun and play. At home there are more rules and different consequences. If your doing it right or different, then other parents will try to knock you down. They like you being miserable or looking to them for advice when they know they struggled too. Maybe they are currently struggling and looking to lift themselves up by knocking your parenting. They want to believe they’ve done every thing perfectly. Guess what? There is not just one way to parent so get over yourself. More importantly, get over your self doubt. Dont let thrm take jabs at your depression or anything else.

That’s my mission. These kids grow to fast and before you know it they are off to college.  Enjoy them while you can. Let the negative energy go and feel the freedom of not caring what other parents are claiming you did wrong. Kids are all different and we need to parent them in the way that’s best for them. We need to support each other and lift each other up. If you can’t say anything nice then shut up.

This happens a lot with first time parents. You will get more unsolicited advice than you know what to do with. For this reason, I now either give advice only when asked or I will say this is what worked for me. I am guilty of trying to make my case for the best diaper or formula etc. I now realize that every baby is different in how they react to diapers and formula. Some parents prefer different diapers than me and its ok. Some parents don’t feel the need to put a hat on a baby in the sun but it’s not my business.  Some parents co sleep and some dont. Guess what, its ok. Don’t beat yourself up as a new parent because someone is against you or your pediatricians advice either. I won’t get into the vaccine debate. I will say at times I’ve been on both sides of it because some kids will ultimately have adverse reactions. Don’t shame those parents. Do educate yourself on all things baby related and do what you feel is right. Ask as many questions and seek advice from many resources but make choices based on what is right for your family. You dont have to argue with people but don’t let them walk on you. The bottom line is, parenting is not as easy as it looks! Be kind to new moms or dads. Be kind to all parents. Be uplifting and helpful and learn when to shut up. I hope this helped someone or hopefully it’s just relatable. Have a fabulous day and thank you for reading.

De ja vu!!!

I don’t understand why everyone complains on Facebook about what others write. I thought to each his own opinion still applied. I guess I understand ,if the majority of folks are outraged at someone’s comments , you can expect a barrage of comments. If you are simply giving your opinions or two cents on a topic, then you shouldn’t be subject to someone giving a lecture on Facebook about how everyone in the world is so blind and we are the reasons this country is going to hell in a hand basket. They are one of the two percent of the world that knows all. You can’t expect many friends to stick around with this attitude. I guess if I were that intelligent and everyone around me seemed beneath me ,I would do the same. I get annoyed at others comments ,especially if they don’t mirror mine, but who doesn’t! I don’t go around telling those people how stupid they are and how they are controlled by the media and whoever else forces their views on us idiots of society. Everyone has varying backgrounds and educations and not everyone is an expert in everything. I think that’s what makes life interesting. If you happen to be a lawyer with a medical degree and a plumbing license ,and perhaps you are an ordained minister who is also a chef, well then good for you. That is an awesome list of accomplishments. As you can probably tell from reading my posts, I’m not in that group. I like to keep up with current events and such and I like to keep up with celebrity gossip. I like watching the Discovery Channel, Forensic specials, renovation shows and sometimes Keeping Up With the Kardashians. I’m not holding a high degree but I’m not an idiot so to say. If I don’t understand something about government or the justice system, I ask. I research the information so I can be better informed but I’m not lawyer and I’m not a member of government so maybe I don’t get it right all the time. I’m not a doctor but maybe I have life experience enough to weigh in on a topic. Should I be punished for ignorance of the facts on Facebook? I think maybe if I posted something ignorant ,without intending to offend or come off uneducated, then maybe the high and mighty could step down from the soap box and explain to me why I might be wrong or misguided. If the soap box King or Queen isn’t an expert on the topic of the day then maybe just say, this is my unprofessional opinion. These folks suck all the joy out of Facebook. For me Facebook serves as a place to talk to family or friends/acquaintances and to weigh in on the hot button topics or whatever else is going on. It serves as a distraction from the stress of the day. If it becomes a hostile place where people are way to serious and are offended by everything, then it only adds stress. In the end I have decided to limit my social media time significantly. If I keep blogging about it ,then maybe I need to step back because maybe Im getting to involved in this idle chit chat. Why do folks needs to ruin this? My thought for the day, please feel free to chime in.

Pity party over here!!!

Ok ,so I know that most all posts of mine have been about self pity in essence but then that’s why I blog, isn’t it? It’s not about pity really, but rather a way to express my feelings rather than going nuts and flipping out on people. This blog is more of the same I suppose but you be the judge. Mainly my complaint today is that of selfish people. When I get a call from someone and I can’t get a word in about anything important or trivial, it really burns my backside. My favorite is when I am told, that’s not important but let me tell you who I saw at the store or whatever they wish to interrupt with. Some of my family members are especially good at this. It is ,however, equally upsetting when you have a friend who is an excellent listener but never divulges anything. I’m not talking deep dark secrets or personal info either. I think that’s what friends talk about, or at least they used to, but not anything of substance. I might inquire about a troubling issue they have been going through and they just say , oh I’d rather not get into it. I might ask how is your job and they say oh you know, same old …same old. I have to question if I’m the crappy friend in this scenario ,since they are not willing to talk about anything other than my contribution to the conversation. In any case, I just wonder why friendships or even relating to relatives has become so difficult for me in my old age(only in my thirties, but still). Your family is supposed to be supportive. My theory is that I allowed them to see me for too long as a spineless and weak person. I was the butt of everyone’s jokes and told that I was paranoid about what people thought about me. I was told I always overreacted to people and situations. They tell a sort of pre story to everyone so that they judge me based on that character they created and that I inevitably became in so many ways. It was not how I wanted anyone to see me but it seemed a lovable character that was welcomed at least. Whenever I show confidence or stand up for myself by saying, hey that isn’t me, it’s not what I like or how I really am at all, it is met with a less than stellar response. I never really became assertive or confident until after high school and believe it or not ,that old persona I let them create for me ,didn’t go away. After all, I played that role because it was less stressful than the constant battle to let my true self shine through. Recently a person introduced into the family said to me, well we all know you hate everyone and everything and your sensitive and hard to please. I was blown away by this because they didn’t get to know me but the image my family created instead. I told them that they shouldn’t believe what they heard because it’s not me. Every action I take is met with , oh that’s so typical of you. I bet you will do this or that next. Um, you don’t even know me…my family doesn’t even know the real me. So I guess it’s partly my fault for living up to these things they wanted me to be. It just sucks because I’m now treated like a weak and angry and paranoid character. You try so hard to better yourself and reinvent yourself to no avail. I can just be sitting back and listening to what’s going on and they will try to egg me on to do or say what they expect me to. When I don’t respond on cue, they say…wow what’s your problem. So I guess I kind of answered my own question as to why I get treated how I do but when friends who don’t know your family dynamic judge you based on one conversation with your family, it’s just tiring trying to defend your true self. The more I defend myself, the worse it gets because it’s viewed as me trying to cover up my alleged behaviors. It makes me look as if I am the one fabricating the story. The thing is, why it’s been bothering me again after so many years, is that it’s become a problem for me to have them paint this picture for my son. I have talked to at least two or three of these folks and let them know not to act this way in front of my son but they don’t care. They simply don’t care about anyone but themselves. They never think they are wrong. If I do something and someone tells me not to because it hurts them in some way, then I stop. Even when I think it’s funny or they are overreacting, it’s still bothers them so I won’t do it. In one case my brother asked me not to say certain things about him in front of his kids, ok no problem. I realized kids are impressionable. Now that I have a child I asked for the same courtesy but guess what….sorry it’s funny..that’s what they say. Ok…NO it’s not funny. Ok well I’ve gone off in several directions on this blog so now I will wrap it up with this question, ….Is it ever ok to allow your family to continue treating you in ways that you don’t like because they are family and you can’t change people? Or should you put your foot down continually and if they won’t even compromise then you cut ties? Same thing for friends, easier to get rid of than family. Ok I guess that’s more than one question. Any thoughts on this topic? Please feel free to comment.

Whatever happened to freedom of speech and how social media used to be?

Ok …so I feel like social media has gotten out of control because there are so many bullies behind the computer these days. If someone posts or reposts something and you don’t like it, you can IGNORE it. Shocking concept to some folks but not everything in life goes how you want it. We are not living in your little world ,as you see it. Believe it or not ,other people have opinions and they don’t always match yours. I can admit some posts infuriate me ,but then I come back to reality and say to myself, do I need to argue over this or is this post merely someone’s opinion? If it’s against my moral fiber to the point I can’t be friends with this person, then I delete or block said friend. I have come to the conclusion that social media is as much a curse as it is a benefit to me. We are too obsessed with being plugged in every minute of every day. Also ,I am so beyond irritated with people being extremely rude or nasty online about things they would never have had the gull to say to your face. This sense of, I can say whatever I want, when I want and you have to accept every bit of it because anything goes now a days ,and you can’t tell me I’m wrong because I can pursue you legally for hurting my feelings or disagreeing with me. This is the climate out there on social media. Even celebrities aren’t immune anymore from the everyday average Joe blasting them on social media. There is also this culture of people who take advantage of the good people out there by asking for money and attention for their alleged sick children or relatives. I’m all for helping when the cause is legit but don’t pimp out your kid or someone else’s under the guise of charity or anything else. The upside to social media is meeting up with old friends and family and connecting with new people or coworkers and the like. This can sadly also be the downside since you can lose your job or family member over comments on Facebook or Twitter and so on. I think it’s great for folks who aren’t able to get out much or can’t speak or getting to see you grandchildren overseas or family out of state. I just think we need to tweet or post more responsibly and more lighthearted things. Stop the cyber bullying and catty nonsense. It’s a stressor I don’t need in my life. I’m glad I can just block folks at will sometimes but should it be so easy to block someone from your life that easily? Also when someone makes a comment ,you don’t know how someone meant it, and folks read emotion into it that maybe wasn’t there. The next thing you know , you are getting put on blast for the world to see how horrible of a person you are. People don’t talk it out with each other, but instead, get all of their social media friends to rally with them and mouth off to the offender in question like a group of bullies. After so much arguing and blocking and unblocking, you find out you were wrong and it was a miscommunication. I guess we have forgotten how to communicate with others, I mean really talk to each other and just relate. Where are the social skills people? Do they still teach empathy and such in school? I know this topic has had numerous articles and press about it but I just wanted to vent as well. If you have any thoughts or opinions, please feel free to comment. Thanks as always for reading my blog.

Friendships: Is it easy to sustain friendships in adulthood and expanding your circle after 30

This topic has been on my mind for awhile. Do you have many close friends that you have known since childhood? Do you have many best friends or a close circle of friends from college or work that are your core group for many years? Are you looking to expand beyond these circles or are there no openings left for your circle? Do you only keep cousins or family members as friends, no outsiders welcome? Can you maintain a friendship over time, with periods of time where you aren’t in contact and can you pick up where you left off like no time has passed? What would you breakup with a friend over and could they ever get a second chance with you? These are a few questions popping up with me and some people I have talked to about friendships recently.

The first thing I think I need work on is when to let go of a friend for good and to stop giving second and third and fourth chances to people. I am always afraid to burn bridges because I find myself being to harsh a judge when someone crosses me or hurts me. This very issue then causes me to give people the benefit of the doubt too many times because previously I may have been to quick to cut someone out. I have trust issues like anyone else and I put my walls up quickly as I get older. I find myself asking the question…have I been a good enough friend or not. I found in my 20s and 30s I had so many friends I couldn’t keep count. My social life was more than anyone could ask for. I was hardly home and when I wasn’t working I was making time for all of my friends. I only ever trusted one or two of them 100 percent. The funny thing is, those are the one or two that left me in the dust when my life didn’t seem exactly like theirs anymore.

I thought being diverse was a good thing but I guess I was wrong. I have always been able to get along with just about anyone on some level, even if I found things “wrong” with them. Hell, I even found the good in my enemies. At some point in my late twenties I realized that I enjoyed the company of people different then myself. I enjoyed traveling and trying things outside my comfort zone or social norms. Nothing out of the ordinary but in keeping with the natural maturing process. I became open minded I suppose and this should be a good thing. In doing so I met my husband and he was so vastly different then guys I was used to dating, but in a good way. He showed me a new world so to speak. We travel places and experience life in a much different way then just the everyday ordinary things most of us are used to. It seems this contributed to my circle of friends growing smaller and smaller. My husband has a different culture and faith then I was used to. This is part of what drew me to him. Friends I was hanging around with, some since childhood, didn’t give him a chance because he was different and apparently wrong for not liking the exact things they did. It started with the usual excuses…Something came up and I have to cancel, I have to work and my favorite one…I’m sorry but I have made plans the entire summer and I won’t be around. This person was a good friend and eventually faded to the background by their own choice. They felt it was ok for them to go and do different things or get engulfed in their relationships, but if I didn’t literally include them in every date with my boyfriend I was somehow a bad friend and he was taking up all of my time. In any case as the summer of being busy quickly grew into years of being busy , I too dropped the ball on that friendship. I had questioned whether I was being unfair or not until this friend started telling me how things had to be. For example, if your fiancé does this or that and believes this or that, well then it is ok to marry him. I didn’t realize I needed to get permission or acceptance from my friend for this. Anyway as time went on I didn’t even talk or text this friend since I felt it should be a two way street ,and I was getting tired of trying to patch things up. Years go by and I had always tried to make a new start when I would run into this friend but it never panned out. My feelings were hurt but I just kept quiet when they continued to have dinners or parties with our other friends. Then we move on to people I met at work or otherwise who can’t seem to remember you unless your right in their face and doing what they are doing. You start a family and suddenly they can’t relate and they disappear. You meet new people at a party etc and think well let’s expand the circle but you find out some people don’t want new friends. I didn’t even know this was a thing. Some people only socialize with family for this reason. I find it all to be too much work and therefor I don’t really put the effort in anymore. With all the social media these days, people just delete you out of their life for posting something annoying on your wall. When did people become so heartless and in some cases mindless. They view your page daily for new pics or to enjoy your failures but they are never around for your successes or to pick you up when your down. Bullies are not just teens, tweens or other schoolmates anymore. Grown men and women bully in the workplace and on social media without consequence. There are some laws in place now which are great but how did we become like this? I learned that people gravitate to people they envy or whom they consider to have less than them in life. They want to be around people who can give them things or experiences they don’t already have. An example: If I had a boat or a large house with a pool and fancy outdoor barbecue, people are going to gravitate towards free boat trips and free food and spirits. When you have nothing or even are content in life, people find you useless unless you experience strife or misfortune and they feel they can fulfill their need to “help” in some way. Otherwise they sit around like teenagers and say ,oh did you here this or that and she can’t afford a boat or she doesn’t drink…something must be wrong with her. Or better yet they talk about your misfortune or how you are stuck at home with the baby while your spouse works, but never offer to help or keep you company. This is where family or that occasional true life long friend come in handy but as I say those are few and far between. So when a friend can’t seem to find time for you after you have suffered tragedy in life or can’t bother to be around for your happy times unless they have to gain from it…is it ok to cut them off? When do you stop making excuses for them? You seem to try to be there for everyone or wish them happy birthday or congrats on your promotion or engagement but they don’t do the same in return. Was it always this way or am I being to critical? Do other people overlook these shortcomings and this is how they continue in these friendships? I learned so much about people and friendships over the years to find out that it really is each man for himself. Is it too much to ask for real true friendships? The kind where you can pick up where you left off after life gets in the way, or the kind where you check in on each other when things get rough. The kind where you can’t wait to plan a baby shower or birthday and they are the first to help you. Does this exist anymore? So I had a baby and forgot to call you and text you daily or I don’t have time for dinner because I don’t have a sitter. Are these crimes? It’s funny when your someone’s biggest cheerleader and they leave you in the dust because your busy living a new chapter of life. When you suffer the loss of a loved one ,these folks are nowhere to be found after the dust settles. They can’t bother to call you or text you to say….hey I know the last few months/yrs have been tough on you…let me take you out for a cup of coffee to talk about it or get your mind off of it. Instead they criticize you behind your back for growing distant. I just wonder if I am the only one who feels guilty when I’m a bad friend and try to make things right with old friends. Am I the only one who gets left in the dust when starting a family , after knowing how important it was to you and how bad you wanted it? What does it take to call someone a true friend these days? I don’t care for the empty ” let’s get together” chatter people make without any intent of doing so. It’s why I avoid going out of my way at the supermarket or the mall when I see an old friend. If I don’t mean it , I’m not gonna say it a few dozen times and then question why we never did get that cup of coffee. My problem is ,I will boldly say something like…maybe it’s because you had no intention on picking up the phone, perhaps your too busy or maybe it’s because your an arse. Any-who, this is my rant on friendships. It seems to cause to much of a headache to maintain or start up new friendships these days. Maybe as I get older I’m getting more cynical then I was in my youth. It was not my intention but I just find it harder to put up with peoples nonsense. Please feel free to comment or ask questions on this topic.